let me give you a walking tour of my face before, throughout, and after the movie:
This is me saying: "Oh, boy this looks like a cool movie! I hope it doesn't suck!!"
This is me saying: "Sweet mother in heaven, that person is going to suffer an elevator related death."
This is me saying: "I've lost track of the narrative THAT IS SO MUCH BLOOD."
This is me saying: "HEADS DON'T TURN THAT WAY!"
This is me saying: "OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIIIIIT!!"
This is me saying: "You ain't getting ME on an elevator!"
I hope this was helpful.
This movie relied a great deal on "fate" and "destiny" and "elevators." The idea behind the movie (from the unstable and unreliable mind of M. Night ShyI'mgonnadestroyeverythingItouch) is that five people who are damned (like, literally) get trapped in one place and slowly die one by one. It's based on an old (apparently Mexican) wives tale which is relayed to us by a security guard who believes in the devil like some people believe in a free market economy or bigfoot. So five people of questionable moral fiber get stuck on an elevator together and die wicked sucky deaths, because one of these people is the devil and is there to try and get them to kill the fuck out of each other and take their slimy little souls to hell! But the only one who knows it is the Mexican security guard. Yeah, my man knows his shit. His momma said it would happen. Besides the blatant stereotypes (mexicans tell good stories, black guys are dangerous, indians are sneaky, white men infallible, women are weak) the movie has some really strong writing (because guess who didn't write this movie... I'll give you a hint: his name starts with "M." and ends with "Movie Murderer") and the direction is excellent with moments of intense claustrophobia and, like, some super-duper freaky things.
Most horror movies suffer from tired ideas that have been recycled countless times until it feels like you're watching a movie you've already seen because everyone in Hollywood forgot how to think sometime during the early seventies. But this movie uses a great deal of restraint and doesn't even show us what we're dealing with except for one shot:
"OH GOD, IT'S A MUMMY!!!"
Or so I literally said while in the theatre. Some guy turned around and looked at me like I had stabbed a baby with a handful of uncooked spaghetti. I'm sorry, but what was YOU'RE first thought, asswipe?
Oddly enough, this momentary image was never explained. And you know what? I'm fucking furious! What kinda shit cop-out is that!? I came to see "DEVIL," not "PLASTIC SURGERY POST-OP PATIENT."
Christ.
Also, the following image is overused:
Yeah, they didn't fall asleep together after having a chocolate syrup fight.
Scavenger hunt time! : There's a raccoon in the movie. FIND HIM. (Hint: he almost kills somebody.)
He's single, ladies.
In all seriousness though, this movie brings a little something that a lot of horror movies are lacking these days: originality. The movie wraps itself around your brain until your stomach feels like there's a little gnome inside you and he's tap dancing or using a jackhammer or something. You don't see much, and there is a lot of time spent waiting for something to happen. But when it does BAM you jump like a rabbit on speed. Or crack. I forgot which makes you super high strung. Maybe both...
Also, I thought Rashida Jones was in this movie. Wrong. It was this chick:
I'm like 95% sure she never had a relationship with Jim on "The Office."
But that other 5%....
So basically, this movie was a romp through terror lane with some pretty tubular results. Yes, it could be a little slow and there were some dead moments (No pun intended. HAHAHAHAHAHA oh god....) and the acting left something to be desired. But if I learned anything from this movie, it's that M. Night ShIstoppedbeingrelevantadecadeago doesn't have the capacity to extrapolate his own ideas anymore. Also, there were some cool details. I had to at least make some effort to make the title make sense.
Also, I think that's the cleverest title ever.
Also, I think I left my phone at the theatre. Fuck.
Wait, nope it's right here.
3.7/5
Sucka got linked!
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